Thy Kingdom Come-

It was probably last year, the same time when I called back Malaysia and said this to a friend

"If you ever get news that I am dead, he did it. Don't let him get away with murder and don't let him raise my kids."

I sit here now, wondering how I could have contemplated my own death. I was  resigned that it was the only way for me and nothing could be done. That was my life then, pretending  that it was "perfect". Every time he got angry of frustrated, I could see his hatred for me. It burned in his eyes blaming me for whatever that troubled, frustrated or ailed him. I was certainly the "culprit" of all his problems.  It was a  waiting game,  watching to see when the scale would tip over ........

Now? I can believe it.

That I am the number ONE factor that troubles him, that ails him, that torment him. How could his door mat soon to be ex-wife do this to him. He least expected me to have any gumption in fighting back. He must be in shock or in denial that this is even happening.

Six months after the restraining order trial, he is still a nasty piece of work, sending countless horrid emails, flooding my inbox till I gave up on the account, and subsequently filing two police reports. He flooded my attorney's inbox harassing and calling her names until she filed a police report also. He is relentless in his pursuit of happiness I suppose and resorted in texting my mom and calling her a WHORE.. a what ??? Awwww man,  how low can you go without making yourself look like an idiot ? If you think you are king, then stay there, in your perverse itty bitty kingdom before I put you in jail ..

Fly back to Romania and hide, if you dare.  Try to get ICE to deport me, I double dare you !!

And Yes, you heard me.  It will give me great pleasure to see you in Jail. For all the pain you have caused not only to me but to also your ex girlfriends whom I have kinship with. You know what you did wrong!! You seriously need your head examined and re-wired. And I am not afraid to utilize whatever means I have to seek justice. I have no wish for war but like a nasty annoying bug, you wont go away and now I have to swat you  !

I was so brainwashed into thinking that I was weak, I was stupid and I was unworthy. That life was just suppose to be this never ending nightmare. For years I hope and believed that things would get better, instead it got worse.  Even in August I doubted myself on the path I chose. I was so afraid that I was wrong in my choice. I kept thinking that maybe I was stupid, maybe I cannot decide.. so much maybe's over something that was black and white.

Here I stand today, a much more balanced person. Just being away from all that negative energy helps. I feel it seeping away, I imagine dark shadows just leaving me, allowing some light in. The road to recovery is not far, I am almost back to normal. I have regained much of my optimism and humor which he had branded immature. And some one very nicely describe me as "effervescent".  I can not imagined the reasons I had, to not be me and to not enjoy the life that God has given me.

Scheme....

The Plot thickens, dum dum dum........ stay tuned !!

whoaaaaaaaaa there

Nothing is more important than my kids. Nothing ... I will protect them with my life.

Although these past 6 months has been tough , I am so relieve . Phew... what a journey and a revelation.

I am strong and capable. I am fierce so hear me roar. I am not afraid and I am going to win it all. You hear that Chris, I am going to win. Watch out because you do not know what is coming at you. Be careful what you wish for, cause I think you will get it.

Since I know you are reading this as your girlfriend has quaintly introduced herself. I am glad that the truth is out there and that you cannot hide behind lies and pretensions...Keep digging your holes dude !!

I wonder why she wants to get in touch with me, must be some health issues she has .... btw, please practice safe sex. Its disgusting how you lead your life. Too la loooo.........

and P/S:

and P/S: Yes , you did financially provide for us  and that was all you gave of yourself, so keep doing it. Its not big deal right hahahahahahahaha. Enjoy life like I am right now :P

Dear Chris....

Dear Chris

You are an idiot... not only that, you are jerk too. I hope you wallow in your pit of misery forever.
Actually I do not. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you can not imagine the damage you have created and I am sorry that I allowed you to do it to the kids. Even now...

You cancel on seeing them knowing that they were looking forward to see you. And you did it because you thought it would awaken me to see that the best thing was to get back together again ? Are you serious ? What madness is this ? You can't even handle them for an hour and you complain about it. you need help. Poor poor you, what a bad father you are. How inconsistent and how selfish you can be. To only think about yourself and not of them and their feelings at all. The children are better off without you ! They will learn to know that their father is never be there for them , not because he cannot but because he does not want to . What a pity , you are such a fool ! This is child developmental psychology 101. There is no attachment or bond between you and them, They do not rely only you emotionally nor do they think they can depend on you to provide them with any sort of stability. Again I say, you are delusional.

Go, and find your way then, lets see if it gets you anywhere. You would probably go on abusing some one else and some other children that you may or may not have. Too bad for them.

Life is good for us. We are happy and I am actually thankful that you do not want to see them. They do not need any memories of a retard dad. My children are going to be stronger without your dementia. They will know that I am their rock and their blanket when they need one.

For now, I will keep telling them that the dad is not well and he is too busy to see them. But when they are older ,  if asked I will not hesitate to tell the truth. They will need to know and do not worry, they will forgive you. My children will be beautiful souls who knows what is right and wrong. Not only that , they will be loving wonderful individuals who will respect and honor others. Why is that ? Because I believe that without you and with me as their role model, its just a recipe for success !!

So Good Luck ..... and God Bless you in your life's journey !!

Three lil effers

He called Alice and said he wanted some advise cause he did not have a mom. He wanted to ask her what he should do about his three little effers...... 

nice right.....

Death Threats

It was made mid July 2010

I was folding the laundry in the guest bedroom, the kids were with Eddie out in the living area. He came into the room, close the door and said menacingly  "I will beat you within the inch of your life, you have taken years from my life and now you owe me. You can run back to Malaysia and hide but I will find you and administer this punishment"

He was not shouting.  Just said that quietly and walked out.
I started sobbing.

Pajamas

He woke me up at 5am to make him coffee. I got up from the bed and made it, leaving the two kids asleep. 

Annie was already three and Titi was probably a little over six months. 

I made the coffee and went back into bed, I heard Titi  waking up. I also locked the room door as a precaution.

I started breast feeding the baby when I heard him shouting and cursing outside. Before long he came knocking on the door and when he realised the door was locked, he broke it down.

He came towards me and the sleeping kids with anger, shouting and screaming at me.  

I have long forgotten the words but not the incident.  He woke the kids up and they were crying. He was just looking down on me cursing me out. I am sure I told him to leave me alone and to stop his tirade but he did not. 

What I said inflamed him more, he then started clawing at me and tore my pajama pants, literally ripping it to bits.

I think he left after that , I can not recall now.

I also took the kids out via the french door in the bedroom and left the house.

COURT RULING

Today was a good day and am very blessed . Thanks YOU all for the prayers, kind thoughts and positive advice given to me.

The Judge gave a three year restraining order to me (can be re-newed !!) and full physical and legal custody of the children. I am not allowed to change the country they reside in, which is ok !  As long as they get to cuti cuti heheh.

It was rather nerve racking sitting court today. The Judge very se-lam-ba only . Already know I so was anxious, she still took her time to see other cases and clearing her court before calling us. I am just thinking that she did it because she did not want too many audience around us. I might have squeeze my advocate's hands too tight and had sweaty palms too.

When we sat at the counsel table, he was not around. He was in and out and pacing the hallway and went out to smoke too I am guessing. The judge waited for like a second and then just went on the record. She said she found evidence of Domestic Abuse present and in the past.  She said the horrific pictures of the bruises were clear evidence and it did not matter if it was cause by me being thrown in the trash can or whether he closed the door on me.

It was short !!!
Which was unlike her because she usually gives a long narration explaining her decisions.

I sat down and waited for my paperwork to be completed. Then I got escorted out again by the deputy. This time they took me out the back way, 5 minutes earlier too before giving him the papers, just in case he gets mad and went  looking  for me. PHeW.. there were three deputies in the same courtroom with us, biasanya only satu only but because of him aaaaa.... we got banyak.  Make me even more nervous...

I am glad this crucial part is over.
I am glad that me and the children are together which is the most important part
However a piece of paper cannot keep me safe.
I will have to watch out for retaliation and revenge which is making me nervous.

Now to mediation to customised the visitations, then child support , spousal support... and divorce in the end.. another 5 more months to go

Photos of Bruises..

eddie's testimomy

I am very sad to write this but it needs to be said.

Eddie whom I have brought  up like a son, has become the  "anak derhaka" in this case.
So melodrama kan ?

Today Eddie claims that I slapped him  on numerous occasion.

He claims that I abuse the kids and Chris does not.

He claims that I stole money and that he saw the trash can incident before going into the house to pick the phone up.

He claims that Chris did not abuse him. He claims that they throw things at each other all the time !
Like ping pong paddles, tennis rackets and ahem darts too)

He claims that Chris threatened me but cannot recall what was said.

He claims that Chris slapped him... but refuses to go further. He claims that Chris had punched him before but not close fisted. (ca u punch any other way ?)

He claims that Chris broke his laptop because he spent too many hours on it and it was slow.
(I think not, it was a new sony vaio that cost the grandmother  1.8k )

He also claims that He moved back down to LA because I was not there anymore.
Now that is the funny thing to say, is it not ?
That the reason for him moving back to LA was because I was no longer around !
Why would he want to be around me if I was such a maniacal tyrant who abused him right ?

And if he did see me kena buang in the tong sampah, how come he did not come and help me out ? And instead went into the house to answer a phone call ????

I dont know why Eddie twisted the events and why he had lied but I am sure it was a matter of survival for him. So I forgive him and hope he will learn to live with his mistakes and lay in the bed he has made for himself. Kesian.....

Restraining Order Court Hearing is over.

Today is finally the last day we will go to court and testify. The court ruling will be on Monday 8.45am.

All testimonies and evidence has been given and both parties has said their piece. I am trying to be objective without getting overly emotional as it was a tiring experience. I always seem to start the mornings with a headache and go home with one too, only to sleep and dream about the proceedings and waking up going through the same motion again.

I have a wonderful attorney who is full of spark and energy. She is witty, funny and a big comfort to me. She however made me re-live every single agonising moment of the ordeal and the abusive nature of the relationship. She was very tough on me and I am glad that she did her job well.

I also have an advocate who sits with me through the proceedings from the Marjaree Mason Center. She holds my hands when I have to answer the questions pelted at me. Many a times,  I was questioned about my mental stability because I needed her there. Many a times also, I was questioned if I was obtaining my answers from the advocate.

Let me be clear, the advocate is sent by the center to help DV victims especially when they have to face their aggressor. The victims would feel intimidated and often do not have the courage to voice out or elaborate their answers, thus not giving a true and complete testimony. My advocate was there to remind me to stay calm and to focus on my answers, trying to tell it as truthfully as I could to the best of my ability.

Making my testimony was hard work. Listening to others was harder.

It always is such a juxtaposition in matters like this. I say I was being abuse. He would say I was the abuser. I say he was screaming and yelling at me, he says that it was mutual. I say that he was mean  and abusive to the kids, he says I was meaner and worse. Seems to me no matter what I testified, he said it better and fiercer and most definitely louder than me. If I cried because I remember being tormented by him, he cries even better  because I took the children away form him.  I simply do not know if it was play acting and I won't speculate but I must say I was most impressed with his efforts to demoralise me, to assassinate my character and to  insinuate that I was this mad raging woman who had no control what so ever.

It does pains me to be painted that way but I suppose this comes with the territory when I decided to obtain this restraining order on him. He wanted to settle and obtain mutual restraining order on me and him, I applaud his smart tactics but I must decline. I do not need him near the children without being supervised by a third party. I am afraid he would kidnap the kids and take them to Romania as I heard from a good source that it was the intended plan once he got them unsupervised. I know he would be out for revenge and the only way to hurt me would be through the children. He has already made police report against me and has tried to get me into trouble. He also made threats through my attorney and shouted very loudly at the court hallway that I would never be an American citizen and he would get me into trouble. He also ahem said he would never harm the mother of his children (so why the threats and the menacing persona ?)

He also made claims that he loved his wife and family and would like the court to order us for marriage counselling before anything else.

This to me is preposterous. During our marriage, he made no effort to spend time with his children, I think I could safely say it was 10 minutes a day if any at all and when he was around, it was always in an angry tense environment. The kids and I were on standby to get out of the house once he erupted like one of those live volcanoes. He was not courteous to me. He was not respectful to me nor was he ever considerate to me. In fact, I did once said let's go to counselling but he would not partake in it, stating that the problems in our marriage was on me. So I really have no idea what is going one with this one ..

I do not know how he sees himself as a good father or husband if the only thing he ever did well was providing the finances and nothing else. His main argument all this time was that I took money from him, money that was meant for the bills and that I stole it.  His claims of having no money and not paying the bills is another statement which I find so many holes in it. One minute cakap takde duit, next minute boasting he bought Eddie two new laptops for the ones he had broken. Not just any laptop ok, dua Mac probook alright.. hehehe

Let me elaborate..

Two days ago, Eddie was left at the greyhound bus station and my sis in law went to pick him up . She noticed red marks on his face. Apparently, Eddie got into an argument about the hearing. Apparently Eddie did not want to testify and he was coaching Eddie on what to say, so  he got mad-  hit the boy and broke his laptop too in the process and was sent away. Within 24 hours, the boy was back in town..why ? cause he had to take the stand to testify against me. He has a new laptop now and he came back to pack up the rest of his belongings. I see this as bribery and blackmail but that is just my opinion and no one else. Whether this story is true or not, I cannot verify as it was heresay.

In the end, I left the court  (with my trusty police escort) feeling a little elated that no one needs to take the stand anymore but now I have to start biting my nails, waiting for MONDAY MORNING... the not knowing and the uncertainty is tormenting me. I pray that the judge will see through the lies and look for the truth in case. That is all I ask for and nothing more.

To keep me and my children out of harm's way ! Amen.

Door Close Shut

We were going to sleep. Titi heard  a door shut loudly, he whispers loudly, "Is Tata coming to get us ?"
I said , "No, he isn't,  we are safe" Then Titi said, "Is he walking up the steps ?" I had to say again, "No son, he cant get us cause we are safe ok "

Sad kan..

Empowerment...

Its good to feel good about myself. Its good to know that I am not as stupid as often as I have been called. After taking the stand for two days, I had strangers coming up to me offering me hugs and giving me advice.

But as I sat on the court audience bench and listened to what others had gone through, I felt entitled to my anger, my shame and my regrets

I do feel like somehow I was dead and has been re born again, like a phoenix rising form the ashes you know. And though I made a lot of mistakes over the years, I acknowledge it and hope to move on to better things.  My only dearest wish is to reverse the effects on my children.

Lets hope the restraining order hearing will be over soon...and move on to the other one :P

Court....

I don't know if I can say much about the procedure and I don't think I can discuss it until its over because of the other witnesses. What I can say though is that it started on Wed 8.30am and continued to the day after and Friday too. We are not finished yet, we get back in there on Thursday with me on the witness stand once again.

Its been tiring, emotionally draining and pure mental torture. I am not kidding. Being blasted with questions one after another is simply not my idea of fun. But I suppose as long as I have my eye set on the safety of my kids, I am willing to go through this.

Phew..

The Story so far

Chris has an attorney. Trust him to try to con another woman in to believing his half baked lies and his concocted stories.

But the whopper of the his reply is that  :-

1. I am the ABUSER and he was trying to get away
2. The reason he put me into the trash can was that so he had time to get away
3. I was jealous of his affairs and was kicking and hitting him
4. I got the bruises from trying to climb on him in the car while he was trying to close the door
5. that I called him 27 times to verbally abuse him.. I did call but only to ask what he thought I was suppose to do with him leaving me high and dry treating me and Titi like rubbish.

He is making me feel like a class one idiot and makes me seems crazy.
I dont know if I have the strength to fight this.
Its just killing me that he can twist and manipulate the situation to his advantage.

I am just a wreck...

FYI

Yesterday I met up with an attorney whom I think could take him on. I am fairly certain he would have his own attorney but knowing his outwardly charming manners, I am afraid that everyone would buy into that facade. So, I think that getting myself one would be a good idea since I am not a charmer  and I do not wish to look stupid either.

Today, I spoke with the people at the shelter who told me that the criminal charges against him is now a felony ! Apparently, they called Detective Foster up after talking to me and queried him about it. They also assigned an advocate to go with me on 8th September to court and briefed me on what to expect from the restraining order hearing. 

I am praying that I will be able to calm and composed and not rattled and scared. I pray that I don't feel intimidated  either as I am suppose to sit at the same table with him in front of the judge with some one in between us. The Judge will ask us both questions. So, depending on whether he has an attorney with him, I might ask for a continuance or perhaps he will ask for one. I simply do not know.

My wonderful family and friends will be praying for me and I am eternally grateful to them. God Bless them all.

more from the discussion board.....

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  Its a good distinction to makethat the Catholic Church has never been against divorce for the sake of protecting life, or even for less dire reasons, but rather only against divorce for the sake of remarriage. Divorced Catholics ought to be in no way stigmatize, its only those who remarry that dishonor their sacred promise to love until death.
  
  Karen might be getting a restraining order and civil divorce, but she still must love her husband, even if she never sees him again, for the rest of her life. By abusing her, Karen't husband dishonored his sacred promise to love, and sinned, endangering his immortal soul as well as her happiness. Leaving him is, in fact, part of that love, because in doing so she is preventing him from sinning!

  last Thursday · Report
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  Ask A Catholic Priest We are made to love, even in the face of evil, even in the face of sin, even in the face of heartache and pain. Thats it. Our God who loves us made us to love. The world is what it is because people fail to love. What you have to ask your self is this: is the solution to respond by loving more or less?
  
  Love doesn't mean allowing yourself to get beat up, but it does mean never giving up on someone, even when they hurt you. Its scarey for us to even think about loving like this--thats why Jesus did it first for us from the Cross. The Cross is the standard of our Christian Faith!

  last Thursday · Report
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  Karen Yin Chuan Hau Father, I suppose that is the reason why I had endured all these years because I thought it was God's plan for me to teach him a new way and hope that in love he would change but instead of learning right from wrong, he became a monster always pushing the limit and knowing that I would still just stay.
  
  I agree that I will love him for the rest of my life as he is the father of my children and that only God's grace can help him as i certainly cannot.
  
  And to re-marry or not ? I think as a mother to three beautiful children I am very very wary of the other kind of monsters that lurk out there.
  
  FYI, my husband does not believe in God and we only had a civil marriage and not a church one. So technically speaking was i living in sin then ?? hahah
  
  Only God knows the answer . What say you Father ?

  last Thursday ·
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  Ask A Catholic Priest @ Karen--There can only be a Sacramental Marriage between Christians, so while you should have sought the Bishop's permission to marry your husband one way or the other you would not be bound to him by the indisolubility of the sacrament. This means you are free to marry (in the Church) all you need is to ask for a decree of nullity, which in your case is a formality.
  
  I think it is beautiful that you were trying to save his soul. You probably shouldn't have allowed him to abuse you for so long, but it was truly noble, if not morally necessary, for you to try to make it work for so long. You should still do all you can to love him by praying for him! Thank God for good gifts He gave you through your bad marriage: the strength you learned and for the beautiful children He gave you! And don't be afraid to love again! Just make sure you pray to God about what He wants for your future! God Bless you, I am keeping you and your children in prayer!

  on Friday · Report
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  Karen Yin Chuan Hau THank you Father ..but I am now in a happy place with my children and only hope to be the best mother I can be. Please pray that I am able to care and provide for them and that they will overcome this episode to have a normal happy childhood. I want them to be strong.

Hard BAll

Annie was talking to Grammy Alice when we were staying over there

"You know why we can't go home Grammy ???"
"Cause Tata threw mama into the trash can"
"And now Mama is playing HARD Ball..."

This what Alice told me, which initially made me laugh but eventually made me cry. No six year old should know things like this..

just too sad for words.

How to deal....

I actually wish to extend and olive branch to him but I just don't think he will forgive me for putting him through this experience.  I just wish that I could solve this matter in a peaceful manner , like talk it over and make plans for the kids . But somehow my intuition tells me that I cannot do that as he will see it as a sign of weakness and will try to demolish me in one big swipe. Plus, since I had dare gone against him, to be nice would only give him the chance to walk all over me. As I yo yo back and forth between trying to do good and reigning in my emotions, my logic takes over and tells me that "ahem, wrong move"  or "don's be silly and feel sorry for him" "you need to be strong and don't forget ..."

But I just don't get it why its just so hard to get along for the sake of the children. I wish we could find a nice easy workable solution, one where he stays far away from me and one where he can see the kids if only he is supervised by a third party..now how is that for logic ???